On Sickness and Blame

Who is to blame for my current health problem? This may seem like a strange question, but every now and then some health care professional seems to have decided that I caused it, it’s my fault, and therefore if I end up suffering more than other patients or being shoved to the back of the line, well, I made my (hospital) bed and must now lie in it. Such is my current situation.

Three weeks ago I had some surgery. Due to a loophole in my consent, they did not finish and sent me home- needing completion of the work, and dangling a catheter. Three weeks is too long to be half-done. So during the wait I developed an infection which caused them to cancel the second surgery. They sent me home to rot and were surprised when I showed up rotten. And they couldn’t care less that now I may be on hold until august.

I want to spare you the gory details, but the problem is in my urinary tract.  And while not an STD, part of genital medical care involves disclosing recent sexual activity. As a gay man in the suburbs, this often does not go well

I’m familiar with the judgement my honest disclosure arouses in a minority of the medical community, and part of being “out” is that I don’t hide and I don’t apologise. But I’m not exaggerating that in this case I’m being blamed, and my first, uh… liaison… in years became the crime I’m on trial for. How’s that for disclosure? Every detail of the event is in my medical history and has become the Bruno Magli shoe print used as evidence to convict me.

If you’ve ever felt a pop or heard a snap down there, or offered what felt like a 3rd testical to your date, or had some “Uh oh, what’s that?” moment, you are familiar with the dread of having to describe it to nurses, doctors and floor moppers over and over in order to receive care. Say it with me, “To receive care.”

From the fat chain-smoker to the clutzy kid to the non-compliant diabetic, we’re all to blame for our physical state, aren’t we? Motorcycle accidents, sports injuries, cosmetic allergies, fall on ice from inappropriate footwear, we all do something. But I bet nobody ever claimed Crossfit to be a sin. People take risks, get injured, get sick. Keeps hospitals in business.

A particularly snarky ER nurse judged every item I shared in my intake history, botched a procedure, asked another nurse to try who botched it 2 more times, and when I said, “I don’t think that’s right. It doesn’t feel right,” the first nurse cussed me out and informed me that the other nurse has 29 years experience and knows better than me about what’s happening inside my body.

At that moment an insight occurred to me. Beyond judgement. Beyond expertise. Beyond ego there is a simple notion that binds me to the humanity of all other patients, here and everywhere, and serves as marching orders to healthcare professionals. It couldn’t be more basic, and even this horrible shrew of a nurse heard it and instantly eased up on me once i shared it with her.

I’m just a sick person who needs your help.

For nurses, doctors, and demigods- I mean surgeons, nothing more is required. Don’t clutter your minds with the inconsequential. And don’t be surprised if the sissy you were disparaging rather than helping withdraws consent and limps right out the door he limped in through. Your job is to help.