He Ain't Heavy, He'sMy Big Bro

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I’ve been spending time with my big brother lately. To some, that might not seem like a big deal. But the dynamics of my family are complicated, and simply being in touch with this or that member at the wrong time can easily upset the delicate balance and unwittingly cause a war. Granted, each of us has plenty of emotional baggage. Luckily, I have a van.

I missed the opportunity to bring my father back into my life, and botched another relationship I won’t mention. Another sibling wants nothing to do with me, and my mom is so difficult we’ll just never be close. Despite these poor odds, I might as well try to for a bond with my big bro.

He and I have something in common. Each of us has ended up alone, suffered setbacks, and in our 50s must once again try to dust ourselves off and try again. I had a soft landing, all things considered. And I have plenty of free time to be sure. He is struggling to find a real job with a living wage but doesn’t have transportation to go job hunting. I have cars and drive strangers around via Uber and Lyft. It seems logical that I could drive him around to apply for some jobs.

Perhaps I could have just lent him a vehicle, but honestly I was nervous about it. I just didn’t know how to handle insurance, I’d fret about it breaking down on him, and in my experience lent vehicles cause tension in relationships. So I pick him up, drive him around, and we get to hang out together. After literally begging people to be in my life, I offered myself to him, and have ended up with the personal interaction I so desperately needed. We even follow each other on Instagram. And I learned things about him I didn’t know.

My big bro is brave. It takes huge courage to go out and sell yourself to others in a job search. I’ve always struggled with confidence to apply for jobs. My work history bears this out. Knowing this, understanding the difficulty, I’m on his side. I believe in him if it helps him believe in himself. So far he’s been super grateful, and I hope he succeeds. Starting over is tough, as I said.

I’ve had an exceptionally difficult time maintaining relationships since losing Bob. Big bro recently lost his son after a long illness. We are safe expressing our grief to one another. At any moment one or the other might go off on a tangent of painful experiences. Its cool. Let it out.

Beyond that, he’s a guy. Oh, is he a guy. I think I was craving a masculine influence in my life. Men just see things differently, and it amazes me how often he and I agree. Not that we have to agree. He can be him and I can be me. It’s been good sharing my authentic self with him. Not sure I ever did before.

I discovered recently that I failed to connect with others. Perhaps I thought people were rejecting me, and yet I had made no effort to connect with them. My father is a perfect example. I barely spoke to him in 26 years. He never saw the numerous homes Bob and I lived in. I wanted desperately to get him over to my last house before it was sold, but it was too late. I had failed to share my entire adult life with my dad. Now he’s gone and so is that life. And I’m to blame.

So I reached out to my big bro. It took some patience and some effort to connect. Turns out others were trying to block our connection. But I’m grateful for him, and there’s one thing I know. It will either go well or blow up in my face. I accept that.

Oh, and it looks like he landed a great job today. Hope it works out.



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