Thanks For (Not) Sharing
No, this isn’t a blog about bowel movements. I’m referring to people having problems in some area of life and trying not to be a burden by dumping their problems on somebody else. That person is me right now. I need a dump.
I’ve had a few challenges lately. Big ones. And I’ve done pretty well, considering. I’ve managed things pretty well. I even surprised myself at times with my ability to just do the thing that needed done. But I’ve reached my limit. Hit the wall. Fell in the deep end. Tried to carry it all on my back. But I can’t carry it on my own anymore.
Even now, I’m resisting the urge to list the problems I’ve had in the last year. Worse yet, I’m sitting in a booth at McDonalds writing this and every time the tears begin to well up, I stop and lower my head so nobody will see.
People often see me as strong, and in many ways I am. Problem is I’m incomplete. I’m about half as strong as is required to really handle the challenges of life. Isn’t there a song lyric about I used to be half and now I’m whole? I’m the reverse of that. I lost my other half.
If you know me at all, you know this. Ugh, how you know. It was important to me to be realistic and face the fact that Bob is gone. Ceased to be. Thepartthat’s taking longer to sink in is that without Bob it’s just me now. And I’m not so strong out in the world.
Its clear to me that a great long-term relationship is a sort of yin and yang, where one is weak where the other is strong. I realized this when a good friend bailed on me when my car ran out of gas about 5 miles from home once. I had simply forgotten to stop and fill up. I didn’t expect him to get me gas; I got some from a kid mowing his lawn. I needed him to stick with me rather than bail. No way Bob would bail, even in scenarios far worse.
There’s really nobody on my side now. Not so that I can tell, anyway. Everybody bailed. I quickly stopped begging people to be in my life. So I am alone. Alone and scared. Alone and clueless. Alone and silent. I learned not embarrass my parents by dumping my purse and letting the world see how messy it is on the inside. I think my mess might be showing lately on the outside tho.
It’s been six months. My plan was to take six months to really greive. Step 2 is to have a direction and be working at it by one year. Tic tock. Nothing in the plan about dating, much less coupling. But I did meet a nice guy recently. It didn’t work out, but it gave me hope.
Probably the best time to write about this is long after it is all resolved. But it’s not. I’m not sure it will ever be. All I really know lately is that I am alone, incomplete, a little scared, and not nearly as strong as I pretend to be. If Bob were here, he’d be cheering me on. And handling the things I miss. We were good that way.
Comments
Post a Comment